Friday, January 15, 2010

Say What You Need to Say

If you read "Searching for Silence", an earlier post when I set a goal to write posts to two blogs twice a week you may be wondering what happened. My posts come sporadically and certainly not consistently and this posting is a couple of weeks since my last post. While this is better it is clearly not up to my stated goal in "Searching for Silence". I need to rethink it.

I should remember that I have been able to set aside one day a week for writing, and that is usually not a whole day. Even though I have a little extra time now four mornings a week because my daughter agreed to feed the horses Sunday through Wednesday, I am having trouble.

I know I do my best creating in the mornings when I wake up and I think if I had just another 1/2 hour I could get short posts written which is just what I need to do because when I think too much they get too long. But life gets in the way, things like breakfast, feeding cats or dogs or horses and clutter. Making a dent in the clutter seems to be the thing that takes over. As far as writing at night? Well, that is another story.

So what is going on? Today I thought about the bigger issue that I have been struggling with either a little or a whole lot. And since we moved to Fort Collins it is a whole lot.

Finding time to do the things I feel called to do has always been a distant rumble in my life. I'm reminded of the rumbling that announced the approaching storms that blew across the corn fields of eastern Iowa where I grew up in the 50's. But the rumbling I feel now has an ominous element. It has to do with the fact that I am viewing the end of my years instead of the beginning. Then the rumbling was exciting. Now I am feeling a bit anxious.

I really have had a pretty interesting life. My calling to make a difference in the world has given me opportunities to do so. But closer to home is that I am a twin and I married a twin. In itself this does not seem so much of a big deal. It does make for a big family. Then having 6 grandchildren in 5 years, including 2 sets of twins born within days of each other is a bit noteworthy. It has generated lots of joy as well as unbelievable chaos. No wonder I have been searching for silence.

I guess I began feeling like I was missing something years ago. I didn't let it surface. I believed all the pretty pictures in our photo albums. Well, they did show a certain view of our lives. I do feel good when I see them. But it is just that I never acknowledged the restlessness inside. It sat in the background doing its rumbling thing.

I was diagnosed with Adult Attention Deficit Disorder a few years ago. But there is no question I have been struggling with it all my life. I have worked with therapists, spiritual directors and doctors most of which helped. But the mystery remains. I struggle with the patchwork of symptoms and different treatment options. I just want to write.

Here's what it is like. I am often chronically, embarrassingly, and frustratingly late. I guess I have always been this way but I can't remember when it started. I can remember when it began to be a problem. I have realized I misjudge how long it takes to get ready to do something, how long it takes to get to places, am often distracted, begin to feel anxious about being late and inconveniencing people or shortchanging myself, can't decide about what is most important and don't often walk out the door on time.

So why have I written and published this personal material? I don't know exactly, maybe I just want to get it out. The song. "Say what you need to say" is still urging me on.